Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Scene 60: ReWrite Wednesday, Junior

Here's an idea. You remember Junior, which I reviewed last week? You know I pointed out those obvious plot holes and problems - and discovered some more after watching a YouTube review of the film.

Well I thought. I want to be a scriptwriter and/or editor one day. Why not don't I see if I can suggest good ways of fixing the problems with the film - or rather its script - that I found when reviewing it? Not just point and complain, but actually see if I could've done it better. 

So here is my experimentally post, today I rewrite the 1994 Arnold Schwarzenegger film Junior. Be forewarned, you need to have seen the film! 

Let's imagine the film hasn't been produced yet, but is still in the development stage and I am the script editor. First off, what's are the problems with Junior?
  1. Scientifically impossible
  2. Not funny
  3. Arnie/baby face scene 
Well, number three is easy. Scrap that. That's not funny. 

The science problem? Well that's a bit harder. In the film, the Danny Devito character just injects a fertilised egg into a cavity in the abdomen of Schwarzengger's character, which doesn't work because of course he has no uterus. 

However, I suddenly had a brilliant idea on how to get round this. The drug DeVito and Arnie are developing in the film is meant to help stop the body rejecting an embryo. So, possibly it could work as an anti rejection for organ transplants too? So instead of the drug just being for pregnant women, in my rewrite it's for organ transplants too. Its probably more complex and wouldn't work in real life, but it makes sense in the movie. This means there's double the market and double the stakes for DeVito's character with this drug, and it also means we have an excuse to transplant a uterus into Arnie - which sounds weird, I know.

However it does make sense with the new wonder drug. DeVito needs to test the drug not just on a pregnant woman but on a transplant patient. So if Arnie has a uterus transplant then that's practically getting two birds with one stone - and it fills in the science plot-hole. 

Now the second problem, the humour. This film isn't really funny, it's rather serious. But to be honest, now I've introduced transplant surgery, which will mean the need for a blackmarket organ, the film now has to be silly and humourous, otherwise its going to be very dark. 

Examples of jokes I have come up with - which are possibly funny, or not:

INT. AEROPLANE: DAY

LARRY/DEVTIO
Come on. It's only for a couple of weeks. Where's your sense of adventure?

ALEX/ARNIE
No. It's wrong, and immoral, and I don't want...(whispers)... you know. Lady parts.

LARRY/DEVITO
I'm asking you to have a uterus for a couple of weeks, not a fricking vagina. Man up!



OR


INT. SURGERY: NIGHT

Alex sits on an operation table in a gown, waiting. Larry walks in with a pizza box and an ice box.

ALEX/ARNIE
Is that it?  Where'd you find it?

Larry puts down the ice box. He opens up the pizza box and has a slice. 

LARRY/DEVITO
You don't want to know.

Alex looks at the ice box and then the pizza. Realisation.

ALEX/ARNIE
(horrified)
A pizzeria? You bought it behind a pizzeria! 


LARRY/DEVITO
What? Don't be stupid. Of course I didn't get it at the pizzeria. (beat)
I got it from the guy at the 3 cent store across the road.

ALEX/ARNIE
What?!

LARRY/DEVITO
I know. Can you believe the guy charged me more than 3 cent for it? 

Okay, so maybe that is a tad dark. But there are lots of humourous opportunities with a pregnant man. For instance, women get cravings during pregnancy. Why not a joke about that? Arnie eating Oreos and ketchup. Or soap. 

INT. LAB: DAY

Alex is sat at his desk chewing on a small complimentary soap, whilst Larry is working on the computer, checking the results. Banes walks in, all smug, slimy grin. Larry immediately shuts down the computer. 

BANES
Ah...Dr Hesse still here... (beat, sees soap) What are you eating?

Larry and Alex share a glance.

ALEX/ARNIE
Err...

BANES
Is that soap?

LARRY/DEVITO
What that? That's just a candy bar.

BANES
But it has soap written on it.

LARRY/DEVITO
(glances at it)
Oh, yeah...that's because its a novelty candy bar. Looks like soap, tastes of parma violets.
It's something for Alex's country isn't it, Alex?

Alex nods. 

BANE
Oh. May I try some?

LARRY/DEVITO
(fixed grin)
Sure. Go on Alex.

Alex breaks off a piece and gives it to Banes, who puts it all in his mouth and starts to chew. He starts to foam around the mouth. 

Silly I know. But that's kind of what the film needs, some attempt at humour, and to stop taking itself so seriously! So much could be done, with a pregnant guy, especially Arnie. Nostalgia Critic complained he looked to buff to be a scientist. Why not have made him a vain, health freak? That way you could have had him moaning about his appearance.

ALEX/ARNIE
Look at me. I've gone from Duff Man to Homer Simpson. (beat) I don't even like doughnuts. 


Or play on the fact that Arnie is playing it straight alot of the time. 


PROFESSOR
Goodness Hesse, what's happened to you?  (joking) Have you swallowed a basketball!

ALEX/ARNIE
Yes. It was a terrible accident. 

Or perhaps not.

You could have had some physical humour. Fainting is not uncommon in pregnant women. Imagine Arnie fainting and falling onto an old lady, or Banes. It may seem silly, but that's what this film needs. 

So lets review - science stuff fixed, horrible Arnie baby scene deleted and a sillier tone and some actual jokes, some inspired by what pregnancy is actually like, added in. Yeah, it could work. 

Thanks for reading! Please tell me what you think in the comments, and please suggest a movie for me to 'rewrite'! 

No comments:

Post a Comment